Talking with Teens and Adult Children

Why Ongoing Conversations Are Part of Managing Family Wealth

James Hughes Jr., one of the most respected thinkers in the field of family dynamics, wrote in Family Wealth that “the wealth of a family is its well being.” This idea changes everything. It shifts the focus from money to people, from assets to relationships, from inheritance to connection.

If the true wealth of a family is its well being, then conversations are one of the most important tools you have to protect and grow that wealth. Talking about your values, purpose, responsibility and opportunities is not a “nice to have.” It is a form of stewardship.

And you don’t have to do this alone. Many families find it helpful to involve their financial advisor—not to run the conversation, but to support it. Advisors can help parents clarify their goals, prepare for difficult topics and stay grounded in the long term vision of the family.

In this blog we build on the foundation created in our previous article, “Starting the Conversation: How to Talk About Values Before You Talk About Money.” Now that you’ve clarified your values, reflected on your life stories and opened the door to your children with a gentle letter, you’re ready to have real, meaningful conversations with them.

Moving from Preparation to Practice

Before you set up the first conversation, you did some personal “inner work” that helped you organize your thoughts and prepare for a face-to-face conversation:
 

• You named your core values
  
• You identified the stories that shaped those values
  
• You wrote a letter to open the door gently

Now it’s time to turn that preparation into practice.

This article gives you a step by step model for talking with your teens or adult children in a way that builds trust, encourages reflection and strengthens your family’s well being. You don’t need to be perfect. But you do need a plan to feel comfortable with the process and keep the conversation on track.

Setting Up the First Conversation

The first live conversation doesn’t need to be formal or heavy. In fact, the lighter it feels, the better.

Choose the Right Setting

Pick a moment when no one is rushed or distracted. A walk, a quiet dinner or a relaxed weekend morning can work well. Avoid moments when emotions are already high. Ideally, you can intentionally set up a time to have this conversation. Sending a legacy letter or two will help frame the nature of the conversation and serve as a small step toward having the conversation.

Set the Tone

You might begin with something like: “I’ve been thinking about the values that shaped my life, and I’d like to share a few with you. I’d also love to hear what matters most to you.” This keeps the conversation grounded in meaning, not money.

Keep Your Expectations Realistic

Your children may be curious, cautious, indifferent or even skeptical. Any of these reactions are normal. The goal is not to “win” the conversation. The goal is to begin it, offer your best thinking about what is important to you and then respectfully listen to their ideas in response.

A Simple, Repeatable Conversational Model

Here is a step by step model you can use for your first conversation. It may even serve as a template for the next few conversations that follow. It’s simple, flexible and works for both teens and adult children.

Step 1: Start with Appreciation and Purpose

Begin by expressing your appreciation for who your children are and what they bring to the family. Be specific and positive about your regard for them and then explain why you want to talk about values. For example:

“I appreciate the person you’re becoming, and I want us to talk about the things that matter most in our family. These conversations will help us stay connected and make good decisions together.”

This sets a positive tone and reduces any defensiveness. Beginning this way also introduces the idea that these conversations will be an ongoing part of the family’s connection to each other.

Step 2: Share One Value and One Story

Choose one value from your list—just one—and share the story behind it. Keep it brief, honest and moderately personal. You will know how much personal information to include based on the long-term patterns between members of your family, but it helps to offer a real glimpse into your experiences. For example:

“One of the values that shaped me is responsibility. When I was 19, I made a mistake at work that cost the company time and money. I expected to be fired. Instead, my supervisor said, ‘Everyone messes up. What matters is what you do next.’ That moment stayed with me.”

Stories make values real. They show your children that your values were earned, not invented. Sharing some personal information with them also establishes the pattern of how you would like your interactions to be going forward. This is a subtle but important form of leadership, especially as you are getting started.

Step 3: Ask Open, Reflective Questions

After sharing your story, shift the focus to your children. Ask questions that invite reflection, not performance. The purpose of this is to get them thinking about their own values and to be willing to share that they may have different values at their stage of life.

Try questions like:
 

• “What values matter the most to you right now?”
• “Who has influenced you the most?”
• “What experiences have shaped your thinking about responsibility, generosity or hard work?”
• “What kind of life do you want to build?”

These questions help your children connect their own experiences to the values you’re discussing. This type of self-reflection may be new or a bit intimidating, especially with adolescents or young adults who are still solidifying their identity. The questions should be respectful and designed to create a safe space for them to share both their differences and similarities. 

Step 4: Listen Without Correcting

This can be the hardest part for many parents. You have spent a lifetime working hard to make sure your children are safe and successful in life. As you begin these conversations, you still carry the burden of being their parent, but your task now is to inspire, enrich and lead them. These conversations are intended to help your children improve their ability to make good decisions.

This means that your role in these conversations is not to fix, correct or improve their answers. Your job is to listen, explore and understand. To the extent possible, your job is to honor the person each of your children is becoming.

If you feel the urge to correct them, pause and ask yourself:
 

• Is this about my fear or their growth?
• Do they need guidance right now, or do they need to feel heard?

Listening builds trust. Correcting someone shuts the conversation down. As much as possible, trust that this process will be mutually enlightening and that there will be time for ideas and values to evolve and for your values to inform theirs.

For this process to move forward with positive momentum, it is best to start by actively listening and seeking only to understand the other person’s point of view.

Step 5: Explore How Values Guide Choices

Once your child has shared their thoughts, gently connect their values to real life decisions. This can be a powerful process, especially with younger adult children who are still learning about the implications of decisions over time.  

It is helpful to remember that the human nervous system does not fully develop until a person is in their early 20s. This means that long-term consequences are not as easily understandable to younger adults as they are to more seasoned, experienced adults.

You might say:
 

“I appreciate what you said about independence. How do you think that value shapes the choices you’re making right now?”

or

“You mentioned generosity. What does generosity look like in your life today?”
 

This helps your children see values as practical tools, not abstract ideas. Your stories about how your experiences shaped your values will help this process.

Step 6: Close with the Next Step

End the conversation by keeping the door open to more. Ideally, this first conversation would be framed from the beginning as the first of many important interactions to come. You might say: “I really enjoyed this. Maybe next time we can talk about how our values guide how we use our time, opportunities and resources.”

This signals to your child that this is an ongoing conversation—not a one time event. By indicating this intention following a warm, safe and accepting experience of understanding, your children can look forward to this communication and view it as a positive experience in their lives. 

For many families these intentional conversations become as much a part of their relationship framework as holidays and birthday celebrations.

How Advisors Can Support These Conversations 

Many parents find it helpful to involve their financial advisor in these conversations—not to lead them, but to support them. A well-prepared and knowledgeable advisor can help you:
 

• Clarify your long term goals
• Understand how your values relate to your financial plan
• Prepare for conversations about responsibility and opportunity
• Create a structure for ongoing family dialogues
   

Advisors often have experience working with many families and can offer their perspective, tools and language to help make these conversations easier. They can also help you avoid common pitfalls, such as sharing too many financial details too soon or overwhelming your children with information.

Handling Common Reactions from Teens and Adult Children

Every child responds differently. Here are four common reactions and how to handle them. By anticipating a wide variety of reactions and preparing for different outcomes, you can feel less anxiety and be more confident as you anticipate the first conversation.

Reaction 1: Curiosity

Some children lean in immediately. They ask questions. They want to understand.

What to do: Encourage their curiosity. Keep the conversation going. Ask what they want to explore next.

Reaction 2: Resistance

Some children push back. They may say, “Why are we talking about this?” or “Is something wrong?”

What to do: Stay calm. Reassure them about your intentions and the positive purpose of the conversation. Sending legacy letters ahead of the first conversation can reduce the level of resistance by framing the type of conversation you are inviting them to participate in.

Try saying: “Nothing is wrong. I just want us to talk about the things that matter most in our family.”

Reaction 3: Indifference

Some children will shrug and say, “I don’t know.”

What to do: Don’t take it personally. There are lots of reasons why they may be reluctant to participate or feel defensive. Ask simpler questions. Share another short story. Keep the tone light. You may even need to accept that it will take more time and a few more invitations to connect around these issues for the child to warm up to the opportunity.

Reaction 4: Emotion

Some children will feel grateful, anxious or overwhelmed.

What to do: Slow down. Acknowledge their feelings. Strong emotions—either positive or negative—will tend to shut down the child’s ability to reflect and articulate their thoughts.

Try saying: “I appreciate you sharing that. We can take this one step at a time.”

Talking with Teens vs. Talking with Adult Children

Your approach should shift depending on your child’s stage of life.

Talking with Teens

Teens are still forming their identity. They may not be able to articulate their values and desires. They need:
 

• Shorter conversations
• More questions, fewer statements
• Encouragement, not pressure
• Space to disagree
   

Focus on helping your teenage children connect their values to their everyday choices—such as in their school, friendships, responsibilities. With teenagers especially, you should expect some differences of opinion or even disagreement with your values. This is a natural part of identity formation—a need to push away from the adults who have controlled their life up to this point.

Listening with the intention to understand will help the process stay positive.

Talking with Adult Children

Adult children have more life experience. They need:
 

• Respect for their autonomy
• Conversations that feel collaborative
• Opportunities to share their own stories
• A sense of partnership, not parenting
   

Focus on how their values guide their long term decisions—in their career, relationships, community involvement, and eventually, their stewardship of family resources. Ideally, you can approach your adult children as peers who have significantly less life experience.

Keeping the Conversation Going over Time

One conversation is not enough. Values are learned through repetition, reflection and real life application.

Create a Light Structure

You might aim to have:
 

• A quarterly family conversation
• A yearly “values and vision” discussion
   

These don’t need to be formal. They just need to be consistent.

Use Everyday Moments

Values conversations can happen:
 

• After a meaningful event
• When someone faces a challenge
• When celebrating a success
   

The more natural the conversation feels, the more it becomes part of your family culture. By having intentional conversations regularly, everyone in the family will learn how to be comfortable with the process and contribute fully to it.

The Advisor’s Role in Sustaining the Family’s Well Being

As your conversations deepen, your advisor can become a valuable partner. Advisors can help you:
 

• Align your financial plan with your family’s values
• Prepare for future conversations about inheritance or shared responsibilities
• Facilitate family meetings when appropriate

Advisors are not there to replace your voice. They are there to support your family’s well being, which—as Jay Hughes reminds us—is the truest form of wealth.

Final Thought: You’re Building Something That Lasts

Every conversation you have—every story, every question, every moment of listening—strengthens the foundation of your family’s future. You are not just preparing your children for money. You are preparing them for life.

And you’re doing it one thoughtful conversation at a time.